4. THE #mikesCreed CHALLENGE

 If this is your first time here, please start here:
What is Mikes Creed?

THE #mikesCreed CHALLENGE

Before I continue discussing each principle as I originally planned on doing, it might be best to first offer you a challenge. I've noticed in talking to people there are several barriers to practicing #mikesCreed.

Here are some difficult hurdles to overcome:

1. Our Pride. We are logical, smart people, and our conclusions are weaved intelligently together from the known facts 
2. Reasonable Doubt. It's hard to believe that people don't realize they are delivering their message "negatively."
3. Our Blindness. It's difficult to see a different perspective with years of unchecked "negative" but believable interpretations
4. Our Brokenness. People lie.

These, and more, are legitimate barriers that need to be addressed in order to benefit from practicing #mikesCreed.

Our Pride:

Until we realize that there are multiple, believable, logical, narratives in life ... we will accidently assume that our reasonable, intellectual, conclusions are the only ones. But consider for a second the plethora of conspiracy theories in life: moon landings, flat earth, 9/11, big foot, and many many more. Or what about those who-done-it movies where up until the very end you had multiple different logical conclusions ... that were all wrong.  When you take the time to listen to people describe their conclusions, you can appreciate why people believe things differently. And sometimes, the real question is, why do we prefer our own interpretation when there are other good ones? Until we can accept that there are other people who are just as smart, and just as genuine, having different conclusions, we will never have the humility it takes to truly listen to other perspectives, let alone have the flexibility to try on a positive conclusion to our negative ones. Note: I'm NOT saying truth is relative ... that is not my point. My point is, you gotta have some humility with your own conclusions because there are many reasonable ways to see things.

Reasonable Doubt:

If you believe that everyone mostly communicates clearly, the way they intended to communicate, then you either are an excellent communicator, which is rare, and therefore are projecting on to others your strength, OR you haven't clarified your conclusions (negative or positive) with enough people to realize that you were wrong, and their delivery wasn't clear. You have to take the time to clarify what others are saying, especially if it sounds/feels "negative." Until doing so, you won't realize how true it is that most people do NOT deliver clear concise messages or even come across as they were hoping. Often times their body language, or tones contradict or distracts from their actual message. The only way to realize this is test it out, clarify with the source. You'll be surprised at how often you'll learn they had no idea their message came across the way you received it. In fact, they will likely be defensive and deny they even came across like that.

Our Blindness:

One barrier for example is an interpretation of a repeated behavior over time. Let's say a family member tends to roll their eyes when listening to you, and this has been happening for years. And for good reason you've always assumed this was negative, because there are lots of possible "negative" ways to interpret someone rolling their eyes. But, and don't let your pride get in the way, if you've never clarified with them about this behavior then you probably have a long history of unchecked interpretations that are wrong. You're smart, for sure, and your interpretation is absolutely believable. But, years of unchecked interpretations doesn't prove anything but instead can make you blind to the truth. It's hard to give the benefit of the doubt to someone when you have so many years of behavior from them that supports your interpretation. But, you cannot be stubborn here. Have you ever considered the possibility that their thought windows is up to the right or some other positive explanation for their eyes rolling? You cannot merely trust your "negative" unconfirmed interpretations, just because it makes really good sense and just because you have years of examples. In life there are many believable narratives about almost everything and they don't all agree. 

Our Brokenness:

Practicing #mikesCreed isn't blind to the reality that one will be bamboozled at some point, people do lie. When I have the boldness to clarify a negative conclusion with the source, the fact of the matter is, they could simply lie. They could realize they were called out on their "negative" communication and instead deflect, blame or lie in response. This is true. At face value, lying, isn't a surprising response to being called out. Now what? Maybe some questions could help minimize the concern here? Would you lie if a friend or family member clarified with you? Do you really believe your family member or close friend is a liar? Does your close friend or family member have a history of lying? Could you be projecting? Should we assume you're a liar? However you answer those questions, let me encourage you to play the odds. I have yet to be bamboozled, that I know of.  But also, let's say they do lie ... and I never find out.  Oh no! I'm still able to treat them normally and enjoy them.  You know they could lie to you, but until given proof go ahead and trust them. Choosing to believe the best isn't being stupid, it's choosing the more likely option, and this makes them, and life more enjoyable. Who doesn't want that?!?

So, in order to address our barriers, and help us enjoy the benefits of practicing #mikesCreed, we need to see the results for ourselves. WE need to test this out.

Here is the #mikesCreed challenge.

For the next 20 times you feel like someone did, said or acted in a way that caused you to feel something "negative," you are challenged to do 1 of 2 things:

1. Clarify your "negative" interpretation of someone's words or actions directly with them. Ask questions like "When you rolled your eyes, was that at me" or "That tone sounded angry, are you angry," or "When you said X, can you clarify." When you take the time to clarify with the source your "negative" interpretations, you'll quickly learn ... you're wrong a lot. What you were naturally inclined to take as "negative" is almost always positive. So, as you will find, you owe it to yourself to follow #mikesCreed closely. It's to everyone's benefit.

OR

2. If you cannot clarify for any number of reasons (i.e. its too awkward, it was something on TV, the person is no longer around, etc...) you play a game. The game is, think about what was just communicated (verbal or not), disregard the delivery method, assume they had good intentions, and imagine the most positive way to interpret what was communicated, AND BELIEVE THAT.

Now, you may default to option 2 often, but this won't help you the most. Not until you have enough evidence from practicing option 1, then option 2 becomes easy and easy to believe. But, option 1 is going to be the game changer for you. It is what is going to prove to yourself that your "negative" interpretations are most often wrong. So, you need to find someone you can trust or a few people and let them know you are taking the #mikesCreed challenge. Or don't tell them anything about the challenge. Just make sure you have at least 10 times that you practiced option 1. And notice how often you were wrong. Notice that negative feeling or sense of disconnect that you originally had, was wrong. You have to see this for yourself. It is a game changer in life with people. You will enjoy people more and be more enjoyable yourself.

I dare you to take the #mikesCreed challenge. I believe you'll be surprised at the results. 

Clarification of what I mean by "negative."

When I say that an interpretation is "negative," in these posts, I mean hurtful, felt suspicious or awkward, rubbed you the wrong way, seemed to contradict what you know, felt weird, odd or disconnecting, etc...

Here are the principles of #mikesCreed for reference:

• Seek to understand (get clarity), from the source
• Assume they have the best intentions
• Assume they are intelligent
• Give them the benefit of the doubt
• Look past their delivery methods
• Trust them until given reason not to
• Acknowledge my interpretations could be wrong
  (regardless how sound and logical they are)
• Be teachable
• Follow these principles until conclusive reason not to

Note: I would ask that as you read the above, I've tried to wordsmith this to death, but please apply #mikesCreed as you read. :)

Read Next

• Discussing: Assume they have the best intentions

3. Discussing: Seek to understand (get clarity), from the source

If this is your first time here, please start here:

What is Mikes Creed?

Discussing: Seek to understand (get clarity), from the source

Here are the 9 Principles of Mike's Creed:

• Seek to understand (get clarity), from the source
• Assume they have the best intentions
• Assume they are intelligent
• Give them the benefit of the doubt
• Look past their delivery methods
• Trust them until given reason not to
• Acknowledge my interpretations could be wrong
  (regardless how sound and logical they are)
• Be teachable
• Follow these principles until conclusive reason not to

In this post, I am going to try and explain the importance of the first principle of #mikesCreed: "Seek to understand (get clarity) from the source," by way of storytelling and examples.

Let me begin.

It was a sweltering hot summer day and my friend Daniel and I were walking back from the beach after a killer surf session. He pointed to a woman standing at the corner just across from us and said, "she's hot," and I nodded in agreement. Several days had passed when the topic of this woman came back up. We had been watching a movie and Daniel commented on how hot the main actress looked. I was like, kinda like that woman the other day, right?!? He starred at me with confusion. What woman? You know, the hot woman that you pointed out last week after surfing. He laughed and then clarified, I can appreciate your understanding as she was pretty, but last week I was commenting on how temperature hot she looked because she was sweating profusely. All that time, I had completely misunderstood what he communicated.

Now, this completely made up story highlights at the simplest level how easy it is to misunderstand what someone means, because we assume, for many good reasons, that we understood what they communicated. Thankfully, in this example there is no real relational harm to my misunderstanding of Daniel's use of the word "hot." Sure, I didn't actually have his correct meaning, and who knows how this could play out later. But the point is, there are numerous ways in which we misunderstand what others are communicating, and this can have negative ramifications.

Let me retell the story above but changing a few details. Instead of it being my friend and I, it's now my wife and I. And I am the one who said to my wife about the woman across the street, "She's hot." What is my wife thinking? Maybe nothing. Maybe yeah she sure looks pretty. Or, is my husband attracted to her? Does he think I'm hot? Was he talking about temperature hot, because she was sweating? Maybe he meant both ways: attractive and sweating?

How could my wife know what I meant? Ask the source. Ask me, the one who said "she's hot," I know what I meant. But if she doesn't seek clarity, who knows how this might come back up. Maybe later we are watching a movie and I mention how attractive the main actress is, and now my wife thinking ... is my husband interested in me... he keeps talking about other "hot" woman. But really in the first occasion when I mentioned "hot" I was talking about temperature, and with regards to the actress, attractiveness. But she is accidently lumping them together, because she didn't clarify from the source. And now there are all kinds of ways this can unravel in a "negative" way.

Negative Clarification:
When I say that an interpretation is "negative," in these posts, I mean hurtful, felt suspicious or awkward, rubbed you the wrong way, seemed to contradict what you know, may be weird or odd. Additionally it does seem to be a consistent observation that humans tend to give "negative" interpretations more credence than deserved. Odd. More on that later.

Back to more examples:

Your spouse rolls their eyes while you are talking to them. Do you assume they think what you just said was stupid? Of course not. Maybe they had no idea, maybe their thought window is up to the left. Instead, if someone rolls their eyes, ask them, I noticed you rolled your eyes, was that directed at what I just said? You'll be more surprised by the fact that it almost never was something directed at you, or even known to have been done by them.

What if your brother is talking to you in a tone that sounds angry. Do you assume they are angry at you? No. Maybe they had no idea how they sound ... and I know this intimately ... many in my life have thought I was angry or mad because of my tone (which I had no idea I came across like I was angry). So, you cannot trust the tone. Sometimes you need to disregard the delivery method ... another principle of #mikesCreed we will discuss in more detail later. But what is needed here, is to seek clarity from your brother. Ask them, "Are you angry?" If for whatever reason you cannot clarify, offer them #mikesCreed. Assume they meant the best. Give them the benefit of the doubt. This is your brother.

What if your friend makes a comment about your clothing, like oh I see you wore those pants. Do you assume they were being mean? Of course not. Maybe they didn't say it right. Maybe it made them think about some really cool person. Maybe they are envious. People's delivery methods are not that great. Think about it, most people are not trying to be mean to you, especially your friend. So ask them ... "when you made a comment about my clothes, it sounded almost like you were making fun ... did I get you wrong?" If you don't ask, offer them #mikesCreed. I promise you will find yourself enjoying those close to you more, because you aren't taking them "negatively," which if you took time to clarify you'd learn that they weren't trying to be negative anyway.

What if a trusted person in your life makes a comment about another person and it seems "negative?" Well, this is when things can be more challenging, because you know this trusted person isn't lying to you. You know they are smart and you know they have good intentions.  But when listening to your trusted person's interpretation of another person or event, ESPECIALLY when there are "negative" conclusions ... you cannot assume that your trusted person necessarily has the correct interpretation. You can certainly hold their observation with a level of high confidence, especially if you asked them if they clarified. But look, my closest friends have been equally guilty of jumping to conclusions without having sought clarity from the source. I don't blame them, there are truly multiple believable narratives about most things. But trust me on this, let your conclusions about a person or an event ultimately be based on your seeking clarity from the source(s). When you cannot, or it's too awkward to do so, you give them #mikesCreed. In this case with your trusted person, you certainly don't need to argue with them, nor do you need to share your uncertainty about their conclusion. You can just hold it in proper perspective with #mikesCreed.

In these examples our learnings are two-fold: 1) we all need better precision in our communication, and 2) we need to seek clarity of what was communicated, from the source(s). Now, because we have observed that people are not precise in their communication, and they tend to use words interchangeably despite having different technical meanings (like dumb, idiot, stupid), we need to focus on seeking clarity from the source(s), ESPECIALLY when the interpretation could be "negative." The source is the person who was communicating, not their friend, not your friend, not their spouse, not their coworker or gatekeeper, not your feelings, not the context... but from the person who communicated the message. That's who you clarify with, the source. And when you cannot seek clarity, for whatever reason, you give them the benefit of the doubt. Don't trust negative interpretations without clarity being sought from the source. 

In general, there will be times that you just missed someone's point unknowingly, this will happen. But definitely if you are walking away with a "negative" interpretation of what someone just communicated, this is the time to seek clarity from them, and not just assume you understood their point which came across "negatively." When you cannot seek clarity, or it is too awkward to seek clarity, then you practice #mikesCreed.

In my next post, I will discuss in more detail the second principle of #mikesCreed: "Assume they have the best intentions"

Note: I would ask that as you read the above, I've tried to wordsmith this to death, but please apply #mikesCreed as you read. :)

Read Next

• The #mikesCreed Challenge

2. Some Questions Regarding The 9 Principles of #mikesCreed

If this is your first time here, please start here:

What is Mikes Creed?

Some Questions Regarding The 9 Principles of #mikesCreed

The 9 Principles of Mike's Creed are not unique, I didn't make them up. I am merely applying these principles, taught by others, into the process of interpreting other people's verbal and non-verbal communications. They have proven themselves time and time again.

I will do my best to share my learnings, with the hope that you may be encouraged to apply them for the benefit of yourself and those in your life.

Here are the 9 Principles of Mike's Creed:

• Seek to understand (get clarity), from the source
• Assume they have the best intentions
• Assume they are intelligent
• Give them the benefit of the doubt
• Look past their delivery methods
• Trust them until given reason not to
• Acknowledge my interpretations could be wrong
  (regardless how sound and logical they are)
• Be teachable
• Follow these principles until conclusive reason not to

I intend on breaking each principle out into it's own post, and discussing it in detail, but before doing so, let me answer a few questions.

Questions

Where did these principles come from and why #mikesCreed? 

Well, all over the place. I can't pin down most of these principles to anything or anyone specific. I've read lots of books on building businesses, managing people, improving myself, and loving others. These works, along with my obsessive analysis of circumstances, conversations, and events, over time, are how these principles came together and eventually were referred to as #mikesCreed. The reason for labeling them #mikesCreed was to save time with my friends and family. I didn't want to have to keep reminding those I was in communication with, each principle individually, over and over. It became #mikesCreed to those close to me, and now to you.

Why are these principles important to me? 

I've learned that these principles are worth their weight in gold, and more importantly they have greatly improved my relationships with everyone, especially those close to me. When you see something work enough times, with positive impact, it naturally becomes important to you.

More specifically, because I have been often misunderstood by many in my life, especially those close to me, it made me wonder how often I was getting others wrong. If I know people are getting me wrong, I wonder if I'm doing the same. My delivery method doesn't match what I want; my tone and body language doesn't often match my intentions. I wondered how true this is for others. I've been wrong about my conclusions enough to realize that no matter how right and logically sound I believe I am, I know I could be wrong. I wondered if others observed this as well. My wonderings turned into testing my theories, which turned into a deep conviction that I'm not alone in being misunderstood. I'm not the only one who is misunderstood because of a delivery method, tone, body language, use of a word, or the look on their face. In short, practicing these principles is a necessity for me. I cannot not practice them, and with the results being so good, I owe it to myself to follow them.

In summary, these principles are important to me because I've learned that they are right and they have improved my relationships with family, friends and acquaintances. I'm a better listener, and enjoy others more because of these principles.

When should these principles be followed?

Always. But the clear trigger for when to be thinking about applying these principals is most definitely when your interpretation of another's communication has the possibility of being "negative" (i.e. hurtful, felt suspicious or awkward, rubbed you the wrong way, seemed to contradict what you know, may be weird or odd, etc...). Always practice these principles when listening to another, but definitely when another comes across "negatively."

How closely should these principles be followed?

Short answer: Follow these principles at all times, no matter how bizarre it may seem to you, until given "proof" not to. You owe it to yourself and others to default on following them. If you don't believe me, and even if you do, do the hard work yourself of clarifying your interpretations with others. Check your "negative" interpretation of someone's words or actions, clarify with with them. Ask questions like "When you rolled your eyes, was that at me" or "That tone sounded angry, are you angry," or "When you said X, can you clarify." When you take the time to clarify with the source your "negative' interpretations, you'll quickly learn ... you're wrong a lot. What you were naturally inclined to take as "negative" is almost always positive. So, as you will find, you owe it to yourself to follow these closely. It's to everyone's benefit.

What do I mean by Proof?

When I say follow these principles at all times, until given "proof" not to, what do I mean by proof?

Proof isn't because you think its true, or all the circumstantial evidence suggests its true, or you feel its true, or others feel its true. What I mean by "proof" is, you have concrete evidence. You sought clarity from the sources, and have learned the truth. That is what I mean by proof in this context of #mikesCreed. 

Until given proof not to follow any one these principles, you give everyone the full measure of #mikesCreed regardless of how difficult that may be for you... and it will be difficult at times.

Are there exceptions to following these principles?

Not really. The principles are to be followed until given proof not to. But, there are times to not follow them, for example:

• Politicians and the Media, have given good reason to apply healthy suspicion to the things they say and do. Sure, listen and try to practice but no need to be blind here. You have proof that trusting them is bad.
• Your spouse, kids, close family members, or even acquaintances with no history of confirmed lying, no history of hurting you on purpose, no history of confirmed being mean to you, etc., these people ... deserve #mikesCreed to the fullest, until proven otherwise.

Context, context, context ... always matters. Historical precedence also highly matters. Your personal instincts should not be ignored either, but all that said, you should follow these principles, without exception, until given confirmed reason not to. And when you can't confirm, you choose to give them #mikesCreed.

There are more questions that will naturally get fleshed out in future posts. For now thanks for reading.

Next up, the 9 Principles broken out in detail.

Note: I would ask that as you read the above, I've tried to wordsmith this to death, but please apply #mikesCreed as you read. :)

Read Next:

• Discussing: Seek to Understand

START HERE: What is Mike's Creed?

Mike’s Creed or #mikesCreed is merely a simple way of referencing a set of principles to follow when listening to, or drawing conclusions from other's words or actions; especially if the conclusions are negative or troubling.

This is Mike's Creed:

• Seek to understand (get clarity), from the source
• Assume they have the best intentions
• Assume they are intelligent
• Give them the benefit of the doubt
• Look past their delivery methods
• Trust them until given reason not to
• Acknowledge my interpretations could be wrong
  (regardless how sound and logical they are)
• Be teachable
• Follow these principles until conclusive reason not to.

Experience and observation has shown that being committed to practicing these principles with one another, regardless of how challenging it may seem, significantly benefits all parties involved, especially if one chooses not to seek clarity from the source, or cannot. 

I may make reference to these principles as Mike's Creed or #mikesCreed in future conversations, with hopes of receiving the same in return.

Read Next:

• Some Questions Regarding The 9 Principles of #mikesCreed